Dorothy
Look, Toto! There it is! The mall!
Toto
Yap, yap, yap!
Dorothy
Gee, it's a lot bigger than the stores back home. I bet they waste a lot of electricity with all those decorations. I sure hope Santa's there
Elf
Who are you?!
Dorothy
I'm Dorothy, and I'm trying to find Santa's workshop
Elf
The mall is closed! Now, go away!
Dorothy
But we've come so far on the yellow snow road. My shoes got wrecked and I brought Auntie Em's gold card with me. It's got a $10,000 limit
Elf
Now, now, calm down little girl. You got a gold card? Why didn't ya' say so? That's a card of a different color. Come on in
Santa (loud, booming voice)
Ho ho ho! I am the overweight and wonderful Claus. Who dares disturb my long winter's nap?
Dorothy
I-if you please, sir, Mr. Claus, I-I'm Dorothy and I want...
Santa
Silence! The great Claus knows why you are here. Look, it's been a long day. My lap is tired and I'm out of film. Besides, I have to feed my reindeer
Dorothy
Hey, who's that?
Santa
Pay no attention to that skinny guy behind the escalator. The one with the pillow tied behind his waist. I am the overweight and wonderful (voice becomes a lot less deep) Claus. Oh, man, am I starving. Ah, ya' got a sandwich on ya'?
Dorothy
Why, you're not Santa Claus at all
Santa
Well, I'm afraid I am. You see, Mrs. Claus put me on the Slim Fast diet. Ah, I'm supposed to have a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. Now all I have is shakes. One for breakfast, one for lunch and a sensible cookie and skim milk for dinner. I hate it
Dorothy
How come you're not making toys up at the North Pole? It's almost Christmas
Santa
Oh, I'm out of the manufacturing business, Dorothy. I'm just a middleman now
Dorothy
But don't you still deliver the toys?
Santa
Oh, yeah. Guaranteed overnight delivery. Absolutely, positively by 2 A.M
Dorothy
Well, where do you get the presents? (sound of doorbell ringing)
Santa
Oh, uh, hang on a second
Deliveryman
Delivery for Mr. Kringle. Ah, thank you, please. Oh, zank you very much
Santa
Oh no, just put them over there by the, uh, VCRs, okay? Thanks a lot, guys
Dorothy
Gee, what happened to Santa's workshop?
(music of "If I Only Had a Brain" from The Wizard of Oz begins playing)
Santa
You know, looking back, I should have seen it coming. Boy, I was the king of the North Pole. Afraid of nobody. I could build anything
But then the kids got into go-bots
Nintendo games and robots
It wasn't quite the same
I could make one thousand scooters
But I never learned computers
So the shop went down the drain
Elves
We were busy building wagons
Till orders started draggin'
Santa
It really was a shame
Elves
The Japanese were on a mission
Elf
We were blind to competition
Santa
We was busy making trains
Elves
We thought we made it all
From Barbie dolls to rubber balls
But Betsy Wetsy took a fall
Santa
They marked her down
Elves
She's at the mall!
Santa
All the games are complicated
That joystick's overrated
It really rots your brain
Elves
All the kids would be in heaven
Female Elves
Instead of hangin' at 7-Eleven
Santa
If they only had a train
O-o-o-o-hh!
Dorothy
(sobs)
I guess Santa's workshop is gone forever
Santa
Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy. I wish there was something I could do to help. But I gotta get busy. It's almost Christmas, and I gotta put batteries in all these Game Boys
Elf
Rook. Here comes somebody who can help
Santa
Oh, how does she do that?
Elf
Oh, very easy. Horographic projections. Ratest technology
Dorothy
Oh, can you help?
Female Fairy
Santa never needed any help. He had the power to work out of the North Pole all along
Santa
I do? I mean, I did? I do?
Dorothy
So what should we do? Click our heels together?
Female Fairy
Oh, no. That only works in the movies. All he has to do is just hook these up
Dorothy
Why, it's a fax machine
Santa
And a cellular phone with voice messaging. And, look, a pager! I'm back in business. Ho, ho, ho!
Dorothy
Can it be true? Will the elves be making toys again?
Santa
They will if they move to Mexico. I can save a bundle if I do my manufacturing south of the border. And with these gizmos, I can keep track of who's naughty and who's nice from anywhere!
Dorothy
Jiminy Christmas! Oh no!
