[Intro: Chris Webby & Friend]
"Hey Webby we got some groupies at the door homie"
"Ah, tell them to go somewhere else, I'm not really trying to do that right now"
"So where do you want me to tell them to go, because they have to come here"
"It's like, I've had some bad experiences, okay? It's really, ehh, it's a long story"
"Like bad good experiences?"
"No they were just bad"
"Alright, tell me"
"Alright"
Yeah, yeah
[Verse 1]
It all started when I met her, couldn't help but to sweat her
She was bad, so I hit her with that, "Hi, I'm Chris Webster"
Spit a little game, had some drinks when I left her
She handed me a number and suggested that I text her
Weeks went by and I'm scrolling through my holding deck
Saw the name Suzy, so I sent her an emoji text
Kissy face, then I got an, "Oh, hey you"
"What up, yo?" "Nothing, boo, let's get drunk, come through"
Get her address and I GPSed it
Thinking we gon have some drinks and dinner over Netflix
Maybe smoke a joint, then later have some sex with her
Not knowing that she's crazy and obsessive
Got there, she had four cats now I got alarms going
Off in my brain but she was hot so I ignored them
Posters of me on her wall, now my eyes opened
To the fact this bitch is psycho, now that shit is really showing
I had one drink and my eyes got lower
Speech started slurring and my mind got slower
Then I realized I got roofied and I fucking fell over
"Well come here, silly pants, come sit with me on the sofa"
FUCK! This is not good, Chris, hold it together dude!
“Now you’re mine Christian, we’ll be together forever boo”
This is bad! This is bad! I can’t even stand, yo!
Then my vision cut to black like the end of the Sopranos
[Hook]
I met a girl once, her name was Suzy
Little did I know that she already knew me
I got her number and I hollered in a few weeks
Unaware she was a bat shit groupie
Went to her house, tryin’ to get some coochie
Had a drink and I started feelin’ woozy
Didn’t realize, I got roofied
And I just thought we’d get some dinner and a movie
[Verse 2]
Woke up the next day handcuffed to her headboard
Butt-ass naked, hickies everywhere, neck sore
Dick sore, leg sore, this is what I get for trustin’ bitches
When I break free, oh you gon’ get yours
Vision blurry and my memory shitty
In a dark basement, where the fuck is she?
Probably upstairs with her cats watchin’ Sex and the City
I need to break free, come on now Webby, be witty
See my pants on the ground and I grab ‘em with my foot
Kick ‘em up to where my hands are at, let’s give ourselves a look
What do you know, I got an Adderall up in my left pocket
So I popped it, dun-du-dun-du-dun, don’t need a locksmith
Ripped those cuffs off like Kong in captivity
Put my socks on and hear, “No! You can’t friggin’ leave!
You’re all mine!” “Crazy-ass bitch, are you kidding me!”
Then she pulled a steak knife out and tried stickin’ me
I ran around her and I sprinted up the fuckin’ stairs
Still wearin’ only my socks, not even my underwear
She’s chasin’ me, and I can’t remember where the door is
She ran into the kitchen throwin’ silverware, a fork hit my bare dick
Then I took a spoon to my left nut
“You wanna play bitch, okay, well guess what?!”
But I had nothin’ to follow that statement
So I started chargin’ at her full speed, butt naked
[Hook]
I met a girl once, her name was Suzy
Little did I know that she already knew me
I got her number and I hollered in a few weeks
Unaware she was a bat shit groupie
Went to her house, tryin’ to get some coochie
Had a drink and I started feelin’ woozy
Then i realize, I got roofied
And I just thought we’d get some dinner and a movie
[Verse 3]
I was halfway to her then her cats start attackin’ me
Swipin’ at my penis, jumpin’ on my back, scratchin’ me
Grabbed one by the tail and I swung it like some nun chucks
Ron Jeremy style, beat those pussies the fuck up
“Don’t hurt my fucking cats, I’ll kill you, I really will, yo!”
Then I tackled her ass through a glass window
We fell down, she looked around, and grabbed a sharp glass shard
And stabbed me in the ribs, then she stabbed me in the abs hard
Then she broke away, I started bleedin’ out
Then I seen her runnin’ towards her fuckin’ neighbor’s house
Grabbed a stick up off the lawn and through it hard and ooh she stumbled
Tripped and fell face down in her neighbor’s garden
Caught up to this bitch stepped up in some mud and slipped
Layin’ in the grass, “Someone call 911 quick!”
Look and seen Suzy knocked out in a damn tomato plant
Neighbors callin’ cops and reportin’ a crazy naked man
Drag myself bleedin’ right up to the driveway
Got back in my car and hit top speeds on the highway
Made it to the hospital, bloody, nude, and exhausted
Almost didn’t make it, the doctor just couldn’t call it
But I did, and I never heard from Suzy again
So now I’ll never touch another fuckin’ groupie again
Never be that fuckin’ thirsty for the coochie again
And meet a chick for dinner and a fuckin’ movie again
[Outro]
You have one unheard message
“Hey. It’s uh, Suzy. I know things got kinda weird between us. I haven’t seen you in a year. But uh, I miss you. I’m outside your house right now actually. See you soon”
End of message
