Creature Feature - Such Horrible Things [tekst, tłumaczenie i interpretacja piosenki]

Sit back now!
Let me tell you a tale!
Where justice does not prevail!
About an ill fated life
So very filled with Strife!
Where 2 wrongs do not make a right!

So!
When I was born
I did surely scorn
My proud parents' name
Then their lives went down the drain!
It drove them insane!
My birth was a curse!
I bit the nurse!
Oh, but I love the worst!
I deserve to be slowly submersed
Dried out and laid in a hearse

When I was 2
I poured Super-Glue
Into my father's hair
As he sat unaware
In his arm chair
And much to his dismay
He had to cut it all away!
Oh but it felt so great!
I deserve to be cut up and filleted
Then tossed about in dissaray!
Till all the pieces melt away!

[Chorus]
I am not a bad man even though I do bad things!
Very bad things!
Such horrible things!
Oh but it's never what it seems!
(Never what it seems)
Im not quite what I seem!
Aw..hell!
It's exactly what it seems!

When I was 4
I'd wait by the door
With a knife in my hand
And the most devious plan
It would be quite grand!
As the mail went through the slot!
The sharp edge is what he got!
Oh but I love the thought!
I deserve to be tied in a knot
Broken bones and blood clots!

When I was 6
I used to trick
The next door neighbor's son
In the woods we would run!
It was fun!
Hide and seek has a cost!
He remains forever lost!
Oh but I love the scoff!
I deserve to have my head knocked off
Hidden and covered in moss
Until this memory is forgot

[Chorus]
I am not a bad man even though i do bad things!
Very bad things!
Such horrible things!
Oh but it's never what it seems!
(Never what it seems)
Im not quite what i seem!
Aw..hell!
It's exactly what it seems!

When I was 8
I used to hate
The color of my house
So as quiet as a mouse
I burned it down to the ground
When no one was around
Oh but i love the sound!
I deserve to be quickly put down!
Rotting 6 feet underground!

When I was 10
I used to pretend
To drown in the sea
'till someone'd come and rescue me
Then proceed to laugh in their face!
Such a disgrace!
Oh but I love the taste!
I deserve to have my brains displaced
All over the fire place

[Chorus]

When I was 12
I used to delve
Into evil schemes!
Just to hear the screams
Boost my self esteem!
Pushed my sister down a well!
She just fell!
Oh but I loved it well!
I deserve to roast deep down in hell
Where no one can hear me yell!

When I was 14!
...
..nothing much happened

Wait! Oh, there was that one time!

*Screams and car crashes*

Hehehhehehehe!

Huh? oh...

[Chorus]

When I was 16
Life was frightening!
My brother was quite dull
So with an evil plan in my skull
I pushed him in a hole
Buried him alive!
He barely survived!
Oh but I loved the cries!
I deserved to be battered and fried
With an electric chair set on high!

Now that I'm 18
I still hate being!
In this padded cell I call my home!
No friends! No phone!
No life to call my own!
Here I shall lie
Until the very day I die
Until my blood begins to dry!
And I return to the darkness to whence I came!

[Chorus]