NARRATOR: My grandfather, Robert Jebediah Freeman, after a lifetime of odd adventures and strange mishaps, decided to spend his last days in the warm embrace of suburbia. So he moved to his perfect house in his perfect neighborhood. But he was still searching for his perfect woman. For what reason, I have no idea.
LITTLE BOY NAMED HERBERT: I want candy! Damn it, I hate you! You're ruining my life, bitch!
MOTHER OF THE BOY: Please, Herbert, remember our agreement.
HERBERT: Candy! I want candy! Give me candy! Give me candy! I want candy! I want candy and marshmallows! Give it to me! Give it to me!
MOTHER: Herbert...
HERBERT: Oh! And I want pasta!
GRANDDAD: Hm, he sure looks like a handful.
MOTHER: When he gets like this, I just don't know how to make him stop.
HERBERT: I want candy and marshmallows!
GRANDDAD: Have you ever tried beating his ass? *takes his belt off*
MOTHER: What's with the belt? *takes the belt, turns to the boy* The nerve of you in front of these people! You must have lost your goddamn mind!
HERBERT: Mom, stop!
CRISTAL: Not many men would stop to help a woman in need.
GRANDDAD: Well, uh, I guess I just hate to see a child go unbeaten.
CRISTAL: I'm Cristal, like the champagne.
GRANDDAD: I'm Granddad.
CRISTAL: Hello, cutie. *reaching out to Huey in attempt to shake hands*
HUEY: Yeah I'd rather not.
CRISTAL: My name's Cristal, like the champagne.
HUEY: Well, that sounds like a stripper name. Cristal, like the champagne, might you be a stripper?
CRISTAL: And just what do you know about strippers, little man
HUEY: Not much, but I do know they're usually named after liquor.
CRISTAL: I just love grocery stores in rich neighborhoods. Much better stuff. Check out this special French whipped cream. *sprays on her hand and starts licking it* Mm.
GRANDDAD: Mm.
CRISTAL: Mm.
GRANDDAD: Mm.
CRISTAL: Mm.
GRANDDAD: Mm-hm.
CRISTAL: It's edible.
GRANDDAD: Whipped cream, teddy bear. Mm, mm, mm. Somebody's busy.
CASHIER: One hundred fifty-three dollars and 12 cents is your total. Will this be cash or charge?
[Cristal takes out a stack of money and pays in cash]
CRISTAL: You're such a gentleman. You didn't have to carry all my bags.
GRANDDAD: It's my pleasure, Cristal, like the champagne.
CRISTAL: Well, see you around. I don't... I mean, I don't know if... Would you like a date?
GRANDDAD: It just so happen I have coupons for the Red Lobster, cutie pie.
CRISTAL: Um okay.
RILEY: You do realize that light-skinned ho was a ho, right, Granddad?
GRANDDAD: Don't cuss, boy. Now, watch your mouth.
RILEY: I didn't cuss. I said ho.
GRANDDAD: Riley, don't think because I'm driving, I can't come back there.
RILEY: I don't see what the big deal is, just saying "ho."
[Granddad reaches behind back seat of car and proceeds to repeatedly strike Riley.]
RILEY: Ow! You smacking me! Granddad, stop.
GRANDDAD: Didn't I tell you to watch your mouth
HUEY: *takes the steering wheel in his hands and drives for a while as Granddad slaps Riley* Granddad! Riley, stop, or we are going to die!
GRANDDAD: Now, I bet you won't say it again.
RILEY: Ho.
GRANDDAD: Oh, I got your ho!
HUEY: Watch the road. Watch the road, Granddad!
[At home, Granddad prepares for the date.]
HEUY: Granddad, have you asked yourself why a 20-year-old girl would want to go out with a man your age?
GRANDDAD: Because I laid my game down quite flat.
RILEY: Game? What you know about the game, Granddad?
GRANDDAD: I know the game.
RILEY: Taking women out to eat, giving 'em free meals? What part of the game is that? You taking her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. The fam ain't eating cheddar biscuits, but this random broad is eating cheddar biscuits.
GRANDDAD: *turns away from the mirror* I know the game. Your granddaddy knows the game.
RILEY: Game recognize game, Granddad.
GRANDDAD: *gets in Riley's face* I recognize game. Your granddaddy recognize game.
RILEY: Game recognize game, and you looking kinda unfamiliar right now. I, I can't, Where's Granddad? Can I help you, sir?
GRANDDAD: *stares at Riley for a while* I ain't got time to mess around with y'all. I got a date. Get out the way.
RILEY: *follows him off screen* Don't do it, Granddad! Don't feed her!
GRANDDAD: Come on, now, stop. Get off my leg.
RILEY: Don't feed her.
GRANDDAD: Don't try to pull me back.
RILEY: The cheddar biscuits!
GRANDDAD: What the hell? Get off me, boy. What's wrong with you?
[Granddad and Cristal are at Red Lobster; she has eaten several plates of food]
CRISTAL: Mm. Oh, God. Mm, mm. These cheddar biscuits are so good, they just melt in your mouth. Thank you for the meal. It was very romantic, like Sex and the City or something.
GRANDDAD: Wow. I have never seen a woman eat like that. Or a man, actually.
CRISTAL: You should bring some home for the boys.
GRANDDAD: I don't know. If you feed 'em, they'll never leave.
CRISTAL: Oh, stop. They're so cute. You must love having them around.
GRANDDAD: Well, not really, but.
CRISTAL: *Reaches and grabs Granddad's hand* You should let me baby-sit sometimes.
WAITER: Doggy bag?
CRISTAL: A doggy bag is 90 bucks, a tea bag is 50, but I'll have to ask you to excuse me right now. See, I'm kind of, you know, on a real date.
NARRATOR: You know, now that I think about it, I don't ever remember seeing Granddad with a woman. There was a time, when I was three, when I thought he was gay, but now, I think it's just bad luck.
RILEY: Well, I don't see what the big deal is with ho's, anyway.
HUEY: Riley, all women are not ho's. We're talking 20.
RILEY: Okay, but if they not all ho's, then why I got to pay to take 'em out to eat, then? I mean, I'm paying. That's payment.
HUEY: Uh, I don't know. Cause that's just what you do. You meet a girl, you take her out to dinner, but you're not paying the girl. You're paying the restaurant.
RILEY: But I'm paying, which makes her a ho. Why don't I just give her the money I was gonna spend on dinner and that ho can go grocery shopping?
GRANDDAD: And what do you do again?
CRISTAL: I'm in, uh... Sales. You could call it sales. I don't really like to talk about work. I'm not really fulfilled at my job.
GRANDDAD: Why not?
CRISTAL: Well, the hours are pretty long, the boss is a real jerk, and the clients... Ugh, don't get me started on the clients.
RANDOM GUY: *stares at Cristal walking with Granddad through the street* Oh, damn!
GRANDDAD: So why do you do it?
CRISTAL: Mm, basically I'm in a transitional period. Like last year, people said I should be a model, but you gotta go get the pictures taken and do that whole thing. Seemed like a lot of work.
GRANDDAD: Yeah, taking pictures can be tough.
CRISTAL: And then I wanted to be a chef, but can you believe they want you to go to school for that? I wish I could find a man, who could swoop in like a superhero, and save me from, you know, work. Kind of like a Captain Save A Me.
GRANDDAD: Do you know where I can buy a cape?
RANDOM GUYS ON THE STREET: Ooh. Damn. Whoa. Wow.
RILEY: That's how it starts, you know. Taking bitches out to eat, meals and whatnot. Next thing you know, you wake up in a rest haven for ho's. A sanctuary for scandalous skeezers and stunts.
HUEY: You're jumping to conclusions. It's just a date.
RILEY: What if he marries her? What if we end up with a ho for a grandma?
HUEY: Riley, shut your dumb ass up.
RILEY: What if we have a ho for a grandma, and she comes to school on career day? Ooh, what if they have kids? We'd have a brother or sister that's half ho.
HUEY: Riley!
[Granddad and Cristal walk into the house where Riley and Huey are sitting.]
CRISTAL: This is your home? It's beautiful. Hey, boys. I love this place. I never want to leave. Is there anything to eat?
NARRATOR: I didn't want to believe Riley. I wanted Granddad to have finally found love in his life. But I've never been one to ignore the obvious. Granddad was trying to turn a ho into a housewife.
CRISTAL: Come on, Granddad.
GRANDDAD: What you talking about? Hey, you just wait a minute.
[Background music]
[Cristal and Granddad are shown having some fun time, shopping and holding a Past Due card]
[Riley and Cristal play a PS2 game against each other.]
RILEY: What's up now? Why you keep doing the same move?
CRISTAL: Where your game at? Where your game at?
RILEY: My X button ain't working.
CRISTAL: Whatever, nigga.
RILEY: Hey, look, I'm pressing it. You see me pressing it. You cheating.
CRISTAL: Bitch, your game is garbage. *jumps up in the air* I'm Cristal, bitch. Who's next?
RILEY: *starts crying* Fake-ass Mariah Carey!
CRISTAL: That's how nasty my game is, son. I send niggas running away. What?
CRISTAL: *drinking Granddad's juice* Ah. A full day's supply of vitamin C.
HUEY: Granddad, that woman has got to go.
GRANDDAD: Miss Cristal is my beautiful baby-boo, and you will show her some respect.
HUEY: Granddad, we don't know anything about Miss Cristal. I mean, we know she spends all your money. We know she eats more than a black hole.
RILEY: We know she cheat at PlayStation!
HUEY: But where does she live? What does she do for a living?
GRANDDAD: She's in sales.
HUEY: Pfft.
RILEY: Ho sales.
GRANDDAD: What!?
HUEY: Granddad, does she duck under the table every time a dude in a purple suit walks in?
GRANDDAD: *reminisces of how she ducked under the table in the restaurant when a guy in a purple suit walked in* Uh, a lot of people do that.
RILEY: Can she run really, really, really fast in high heels?
GRANDDAD: I don't know. Average speed, I guess.
[A throwback at such situation]
CRISTAL: Race you to the car?
GRANDDAD: Okay. Hm.
[Back to the current scene]
GRANDDAD: Maybe, uh... Little above average.
HUEY: Does she keep asking if you're a cop?
GRANDDAD: No.
CRISTAL: You know, you have to tell me if you're a cop, or it's entrapment. *kisses Granddad* My cute boys.
GRANDDAD: You boys don't know Cristal like I do. She's a wonderful woman. She's in my heart. She's in my soul. I just want to be her everything. And for your information, children, I had relations with Cristal last night.
RILEY: Ew, come on, Granddad!
HUEY: Oh, God, please!
RILEY: Why would you share that? That's nasty.
HUEY: How am I supposed to have nice dreams tonight, man?
GRANDDAD: And she didn't charge me a dime.
CRISTAL: *kisses Granddad* You ready to go shopping again?
GRANDDAD: You betcha.
[Huey is shown carrying the laundry.]
CRISTAL: Hey, Huey.
HUEY: Okay, Cristal, I think we need to talk.
CRISTAL: Before you start, I just want to tell you how much fun it's been hanging out with you guys. Think of me as the big sister you always wanted.
HUEY: Don't take this the wrong way, but... I need you to get the hell up outta here.
CRISTAL: Any particular reason?
HUEY: You're kind of a lazy ho?
CRISTAL: Yeah, I can see that.
HUEY: I don't know why my granddad can't see it.
CRISTAL: To be honest, me either. It's so obvious. But it's okay because, see, I'm in this transitional period.
HUEY: Ah, ah, ah, I don't care. You gotta go.
CRISTAL: *takes out a cigarette and lights it* I can't do that.
HUEY: I'm sorry?
CRISTAL: You guys have the life. And I want the life too.
HUEY: Yeah, but it's our life. We're his family.
CRISTAL: Oh, so now, we get to what this is really about. I'm not one of y'all. I'm not in the family. I don't carry his genes, so I have to go
HUEY: Uh, yeah. Plus, you're a lazy ho.
CRISTAL: Ugh, ho is a strong term. Right now, I'm somewhere between anatomical sales associate and high-maintenance girlfriend. Can't you be positive about my growth?
HUEY: Cristal, every part of you being here is unacceptable. Do you realize I'm doing prostitute laundry? Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?
CRISTAL: *puts out cigarette* Look, this is an adjustment for everyone, but it's what your grandfather wants. You can't get rid of me. I can do things to persuade your granddad that you can't do.
HUEY: Like what? Never mind, I don't really wanna know.
CRISTAL: Bye, Granddaddy. I'll be back in a few.
NARRATOR: Cristal was right. I was going about this the wrong way. Granddad needed to see the truth for himself.
[Background music]
[Cristal gets in her car and Huey and Riley furtively get in it, then follow her all the way. They take pictures of her meeting with the guy in the purple suit, visiting the House of Cheeks, and then running away from two policeman.]
GRANDDAD: *Looks at the photos made by Huey and Riley* Cutie pie, what is this?
CRISTAL: That's not me. *turns to Huey* I can't believe you would digitally alter pictures of me.
GRANDDAD: Boy, that ain't nothing but Photoshop. Get that outta here.
CRISTAL: *acts like she's crying* Why don't they like me? I try so hard with them.
GRANDDAD: Aw, there, there. Haven't I done enough for you two? Y'all don't know what it's like to be old. To know you don't have many days left. Cristal makes me happy. Why would you want to take that away from me?
[The doorbell rings and Riley goes to open the door.]
RILEY: It's a nigga in a purple suit.
[Cristal hides under the table again.]
GRANDDAD: Who are you?
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and I believe I may have misplaced some merchandise at this residence. There she is. Bitch, I hope you got the monies to cover this little vacation you been taking.
GRANDDAD: Now, hold up, Slickback.
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: No, that's A Pimp Named Slickback.
GRANDDAD: That's what I said, Slickback.
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: No, no, it's A Pimp Named Slickback. Like A Tribe Called Quest. You say the whole thing. A Pimp Named Slickback.
GRANDDAD: Uh, can we call you "Slickback" for short?
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: No, nigga. I'm A Pimp Named Slickback!
GRANDDAD: Cristal, who is this person?
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Nigga, are you deaf? I'm A Pimp Named Slickback. Say it with me, now.
CRISTAL: He's my pimp.
GRANDDAD: Y-y-y-your pimp? So you really are a... A... ?
CRISTAL: Yes, I'm a ho.
HUEY and RILEY: Yes, she's a ho.
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Come on, bitch. Now.
CRISTAL: A Pimp Named Slickback, could I please have a minute?
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: A minute? *short chuckle in disbelief* Let us pray "The Pimp's Prayer." *church organ playing* Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch, and guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord, so that she might learn a ho's place. Amen.
RILEY: Amen. Yeah!
[A Pimp Named Slickback then draws his hand back to strike her, but Granddad's belt lashes out and catches his wrist.]
GRANDDAD: You ain't gonna hit no woman in my house.
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: What woman, sir? This here's a ho.
GRANDDAD: Not in this house, she's not. Why don't you just wait outside?
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Damn, Indiana Jenkins. I didn't know we was still whooping niggas. Fine. Bitch, you got 45 seconds, and I'm leaving. 44, 43...
CRISTAL: I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I mean, at first, I thought you knew.
GRANDDAD: How would I?
CRISTAL: I mean, I don't see how you couldn't have known.
GRANDDAD: Well, easy mistake, I guess.
CRISTAL: I mean, there were so many obvious signs...
GRANDDAD: All right, all right, I got the point. Cristal, I don't care what you've done in the past, as long as you're ready to start fresh. Think about it.
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Forty-four
GRANDDAD: You can stay here, maybe get a job, go back to school. We can make it work.
CRISTAL: I don't know, Robert. I'm not really cut out for school and jobs.
GRANDDAD: But you'll be able to stay here with us.
CRISTAL: Yeah, you're right. That sounds nice. Let me just go and get rid of A Pimp Named Slickback, then maybe I'll get some applications.
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Eleven, ten, nine...
GRANDDAD: You're coming back, right?
CRISTAL: Of course.
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Time's up, bitch. I am leaving.
[Cristal and Granddad bid farewell, hug and kiss for the last time.]
CRISTAL: Thanks for trying to save me. *runs towards the car, and as A Pimp Named Slickback drives off, keeps running after him* No, Daddy! Wait, wait! Wait, wait.
GRANDDAD: She'll be back.
NARRATOR: I guess, deep down, all grownups want to find that perfect person that'll guarantee that they'll never be lonely again. I still believe Granddad'll find his someday.
[Huey walks into the dining room to find Robert asleep with candles lit, a box of tissues and wadded-up tissues next to him]
GRANDDAD: *wakes up* Did she come back? Don't blow out the candle. She'll think nobody's home.
HUEY: It's all right, Granddad. Maybe she'll be back tomorrow. *blows out candles*
NARRATOR: One thing I learned though...
CRISTAL: *still keeps running after A Pimp Named Slick* Come back! Wait!
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Run, bitch, run!
NARRATOR: She sure can run in those heels.
CRISTAL: I can't go to school! I can't get no real job!
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Feel the burn.
