Tekst piosenki
(mmmmmm if your ass is a Chinese restraunt, I’ll have the poo-poo platter)
My friend Jerry Handigriff kissed me in Home Ec. class
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass
I said 'Guys I’m like you, I like monster trucks too, wanna see how many push-ups I can do?’
I just wish I was queer so I could get
Chicks dig guys that are queer
Guys that don’t dig chicks
That don’t dig guys like me
See I’m not queer I’m too ugly
But if I were handsome just imagine how great I would be
Incognito as a gay though but not actually that way, the pseudohomophony
Maybe it’s a stupid fear of rear or maybe just stupidity
If I was a queer I’d be in the fashion industry
Scoring with a supermodel would be easy
Because 'supermodel’ means voluptuous but also it’s synonymous with 'super dumb’
You see, I’d be a good listener so she’d treat me like a sister and soon I’d become
A trusted friend that cares, that rubs her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn’t take a week before I’m in her underwear
I wish I was queer so I could get
Chicks dig guys that are queer
Guys that don’t dig chicks
That don’t dig guys like me
See I’m not queer I’m too ugly
Doesn’t matter what I’m packing in my denim, it’s what’s in my genes
The only smoked meat, the only sausage I would eat, is made by Jimmy Dean
See, I’m not too keen on the smell of Vasoline
No, I’m not Princess Di and I don’t wanna be a queen
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Anyway if I were gay I’d have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
Hang out with my mom’s hair stylist, his name is Kip, he’s got a lisp, he talks like THIssssss
And wear my mother’s lingere and learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and ……..? ballet
I wish I queer so I could get
Chorus
And I don’t shave my hiney, don’t shave my hiney
See I’m not queer I’m too ugly!
And I don’t shave my hiney, don’t shave my hiney
See I’m not queer I’m too ugly!
And I don’t shave my hiney, don’t shave my hiney
See I’m not queer I’m too ugly!
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