Tekst piosenki
*harp music*
Jesus: Oh I love playing this harp it relaxes me
MC Chris: Huh? I was never shot. I was never assassinated. I’m alive!
Jesus: No
MC Chris: What
Jesus: You were shot you’re in Heaven
MC Chris: No, no. you’re Saint Peter aren’t you?
Jesus: What? Saint Peter! I’m Jesus!
MC Chris: Oh
Jesus: Goddamn you, Saint Peter’s a big, fat shit, with a hydrocephalic head
MC Chris: I’m sorry
Jesus: It’s disgusting looking!
MC Chris: I’m sorry
Jesus: How could you confuse?..man look I got the classic beard and the robe
MC Chris: You’re clearly Jesus
Jesus: And the sandal feet
MC Chris: You’re clearly Jesus I’m sorry I’m sorry
Jesus: Take a look down there at the bottom of the robe
MC Chris: Yeah what at your sandals?
Jesus: What do you see? No between the feet
MC Chris: Is..is that the tip of your?
Jesus: It’s the Tip of my dick
MC Chris: No way!
Jesus: *laughs* Jesus has a Four foot dick
MC Chris: That’s incredible how’d you..well you’re Jesus
Jesus: Of course
MC Chris: Yeah
MC Chris: What do your balls look like?
Jesus: Let me..let me tell you I thought to myself Jesus you’re Jesus what could you give yourself that nobody else in the universe would have? allow me to hike up my robe here. Clear balls with goldfish swimming around in them
MC Chris: That’s inc..Look how cute they are there’s like a little castle in there
Jesus: Castle treasure chest skeleton
MC Chris: Little diving man it’s so cute
MC Chris: I could spend the whole day there
Jesus: I’m sayin’
MC Chris: When you’re having sex with a women doesn’t that…isn’t that painful I mean it’s gotta be?
Jesus: Well let me tell you what I’d do I would magically just extend their cervix
MC Chris: Oh
Jesus: Till up to about their sternum
MC Chris: Oh ok I see
Jesus: Or throat area and that generally makes it fine
Jesus: But to tell you the truth I’m not really having sex with women too much these days
MC Chris: Really?
Jesus: To tell you the truth I’m actually having sex with um it’s a creature of my own uh imagining if you will
MC Chris: Oh
Jesus: I searched my imagination and thought what..what..what’s the creature that I Jesus find most attractive
MC Chris: Huh
Jesus: it turns out it’s kind of a..a dinosaur dragon bird type creature it looks actually like you know when discovery channel was doing that thing on like you know what if raptors had feathers
MC Chris: Oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah I saw that. I saw that yeah
Jesus: It looks a lot like that
MC Chris: But if you’re Jesus you don’t..you don’t really need discovery channel I mean you’ve seen the dinosaurs already
Jesus: No, no that was uh before I was born actually
MC Chris: Oh yeah
Jesus: Yeah
MC Chris: Yeah
Jesus: Alright here let’s get down to business I’ve got the list of things you did in your life here
MC Chris: Oh
Jesus: Let’s see you were a pretty bad drunk
MC Chris: Yeah
Jesus: You made a lot of stupid skits on your records
MC Chris: Yeah
Jesus: You did have 30,000 my space friends
MC Chris: Yeah, yeah I did that’s..that’s true!
Jesus: That means something up here
MC Chris: Really?
Jesus: Yeah, you know who’d be interested to hear that? My buddy Lincoln. Hey Lincoln you know this guy’s got 30,000 myspace friends
Lincoln: 30,000 myspace friends is he using bots?
Jesus: I don’t know I’ll ask him are you using bots
MC Chris: No it’s just fan base
Jesus: No he’s not using bots it’s just fan base
Lincoln: Is he a porn star?
Jesus: No it’s not a porn star it’s MC Chris
Jesus: It’s great I’ve got you know everybody from „Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’s” up here
(Lincoln: Huh, hey Beethoven this guy’s got 30000 myspace friends)
MC Chris: Oh that’s cool, that’s cool
Jesus: It’s pretty..it’s pretty cool
(Beethoven: 30000 myspace friends is he using bots?)
Jesus: Except uh Keanu
(Lincoln: Huh that’s what I asked nope no bots.)
Jesus: and uh Alex Winter
(Beethoven: Is he a porn star?)
Jesus: What are you deaf or is that is that you or Mozart I can never remember
*beep*
Secretary: That Dragon bird lady is on line two again
Jesus: Ohhh this dragon bird won’t leave me alone
MC Chris: Oh shit Jesus what’ll we do!?
Jesus: I try to be honest I try to say dragon bird it’s just a sex thing I don’t want a relationship
MC Chris: Right, right, right
Jesus: This dragon bird is super into me you got to help me. You got to help me out here
MC Chris: Well uh Jesus use your powers!
Jesus: Hmm yes how about this we switch places. You become Jesus and I’ll become you and I’ll go down to earth and enjoy some moderate success as a nerd rapper
MC Chris: Well, I’m not just a nerd rapper, I rap about all kinds of stuff. My music kind of transcends boundaries
Jesus: uh Suuuure it does alright let’s do this thing
*finger snap* *beeeeep boooop*
MC Chris: Oh wow a real beard a full beard!
Jesus: Oh wow a big fat baby face
MC Chris: A robe a cool robe and some badass desert sandals!
Jesus: Oh look disgusting hobbit feet great
MC Chris: Well what’ll we do now Jesus?
Jesus: Now I’m going to open this trap door down here *door opens* and climb down this ladder down to earth here I go..Oh ok over there are towels
MC Chris: Right
Jesus: And the menus are in the drawer
MC Chris: OK
Jesus: If you want to order out ok. Emergency numbers on the phone
MC Chris: Right
Jesus: And just have fun remember to have fun
MC Chris: I will Jesus you have fun too
Jesus: Alright bye
MC Chris: Alright later Jesus good luck
Jesus: Climbing down the ladder Climbing down to earth Climbing down and I’m climbing down the ladder and Oh my god! The ladder ended too soon!
MC Chris: Jesus!
Jesus: Why didn’t they finish building this ladder?
MC Chris: What are you doing?!
Jesus: Oh my god I’m falling!
MC Chris: Jesus don’t fall!
Jesus: Help me!
MC Chris: Oh no!
Jesus: Use your new Jesus powers to help me!
MC Chris: My new Jesus..What’ll I do!?
Jesus: Help me I’m falling!
MC Chris: Uh parachute!
Jesus: Come on!
MC Chris: Para..I just conjured up a parachute Jesus I’m throwing it down to you
Jesus: Parachute that’s the worst idea don’t you know that the laws of physics dictate that two objects at different masses fall at the same speed! That parachute..
MC Chris: Catch the parachute!
Jesus: No it’ll never reach me you idiot Oh I’m falling!
MC Chris: Catch it Look for the parachute!
Jesus: Oh my god I’m hitting the earths atmosphere at tremendous speed!
MC Chris: Look for the parachute Jesus!
Jesus: Oh the friction is causing me to burn up in the atmosphere!
MC Chris: Do you see a parachute!?
Jesus: Oh my god I don’t see a parachute my eyeballs are burning out!
MC Chris: Jesus, Jesus no!
Jesus: Oh my god I’m burning it hurts so bad!
MC Chris: Oh no Jesus!
Jesus: Oh my god I’m ash I’m pure ash and I’m falling to earth!
MC Chris: Oh Jesus!
Jesus: Oh I’m falling and I’m lining on the mountain tops. Oh the cool mountain tops
MC Chris: So peaceful
Jesus: Oh the snow is cooling my charred ash
MC Chris: Jesus is ok
Jesus: Oh god
Jesus: Oh skiers are skiing on me!
MC Chris: Ahh Jesus you’re being skied on!
Jesus: Skiers are skiing all over me!
MC Chris: oh Jesus!
Jesus: I don’t wanna die here!
MC Chris: Oh Jesus you poor soul!
Jesus: And I’m dead!
MC Chris: You died twice!
Jesus: I’m dead
MC Chris: You’re dead twice
Jesus: I’m dead
*harp music*
Jesus: Well that didn’t work
MC Chris: Sorry dude
Jesus: Obviously I died and my soul came back to heaven
Jesus: Hey, are you saint peter?
MC Chris: What? No dude
Jesus: *slap* I’m just fucking with you. *laughs*
MC Chris: You’re always fucking with me Jesus you son of a..
Jesus: oh man I got you
MC Chris: You got me
Jesus: Hey kid
MC Chris: Yeah?
Jesus: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE! OHHH BAAA WOOOOW
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